Dear Sir or Madam, this is a letter of complaint.
I’d like to log my unease about my recent restraint.
It was an embarrassing and total misunderstanding.
And I would have preferred you being less demanding.
I simply mistook my pocket for a carrier bag I swear.
I only realised when your assistant began to stare.
My reaction was instinctive and I’m sorry I hit out.
I hope your staff member taken to hospital is now out.
Two security guards taking me down was a bit too much.
Which is the reason why I kicked one of them in the crotch.
I admit us tussling on the ground was rather humiliating.
But seeing that bruise on his face expand was fascinating.
I’m pretty sure his broken nose will heal quite quickly.
But him squealing like a pig was laying it on a bit thickly.
Happily the judge took into consideration my guilty plea.
And cut my community service from four weeks to three.
Back now to my complaint, which has been fermenting.
Let’s face it, your pursuit of justice was just unrelenting.
It caused me untold stress and now I’ve got a nasty rash.
So I’d appreciate you sending me some compo - some cash.
Perhaps a grand will prevent the escalation of my pain.
And will help me head to the healing sun of Spain.