There’s no use for my bits when I’m gone,
So I’ll allocate them out before I depart.
I’d better include them in my will.
Now then, where should I start?

I’d like to donate my arms to the Army.
The Ayatollah have my one of my eyes.
I’d give both my knees to the needy.
Fray Bentos can put my kidneys in their pies.

I’ll give two fingers to the Government.
I’ll offer my ears to the hard of hearing.
I’ll send my skull to the scullery maid.
My soul can go to someone God-fearing.

I’ll donate my belly to Weight Watchers.
All my teeth can go to a chatterbox.
I’ll hand my knuckles to a boxer.
Before going anywhere my liver needs a detox.

My throat is for a lozenge company.
My hips can go to Pan’s People.
My heart is for someone heartless.
My feet can be auctioned for the church steeple.

I’ll give my runny nose to Kleenex.
My bottom can go to Man United.
My tongue to someone who’s speechless.
My other eye to someone short sighted.

I’ll hand my skin to a plastic surgeon.
I’ll donate my intestines to the sausage man.
I’ll send my nose to Coco Chanel.
My genitals can be cooked in a flan.

My cheeks can go to a cheeky girl.
I’ll give my lashes to a whip maker.
My thighs to someone needing a leg up.
And what’s left can go to the undertaker.