Da Vinci to Mona Lisa – Make up your mind girl, are you frowning or smiling?

Michaelangelo to the Pope – Three months on my back up there is going to cost you.

Da Vinci to those at the last supper - Come on now all smile, Judas take that shifty look off your face.

Johannes Vermeer on the Girl with the Pearl Earring – Come on everyone all check the floor for the other one.

Salvador Dali on the Persistence of Memory – I can’t be doing with these plastic clocks, and someone turn the heating down.

Edvard Munch on the Scream – Come on now there’s no need, take your hands away from you ears.

Sandro Botticelli on The Birth of Venus – She’s stood in a shell here, can someone get her a stool to stand on?

Vincent Van Gogh on Sunflowers - Haven’t we got anything other than sunflowers? Someone stick a rose in there will you.

Grant Wood on American Gothic – Why have I got Albert and Mary holding a pitchfork dressed in their Sunday best?

Vincent Van Gogh on his self-portrait – Why the hell did I cut off that ear?

Whistler on Whistler’s Mother – Haven’t you got any colourful clothes Mother, what about a nice red frock?

L S Lowery on Going to the Match – Now listen, I want you all to bend forwards as if there is a strong wind at your back.