There was a hum of anticipation as his assistant appeared on the stage.
The hum turned to nervous laughter when he said he’d suspend her mid-air.
The assistant was decidedly uneasy as some people headed for the exit,
When they heard the magician saying a Hail Mary and the Lord’s Prayer.

With its’ head lolling to the left a dove was pulled from his pocket.
Not a flutter or a flap of wings were heard or seen.
Next he pulled a dead rabbit from a hat by its ears.
To watch the rest of his act the audience weren’t keen.

He cut himself badly as he was testing the sharpness of a saw.
His assistant had a terrified look as she got in the box on the table.
He shouted, “I’m about to create two of her for your delight.”
The only people left by now had a morbid interest in anyone unstable.

Even their eyes widened with uncontrolled horror.
As he blindfolded and strapped his assistant to a giant wheel.
He span her round at top speed and blindfolded himself.
And then threw axes made of tungsten steel.

Happily none hit her, in fact they missed the wheel as well.
One errant axe embedded itself in the stage manager’s desk.
Two hit the orchestra pit where the band were cowering.
Another hit the girl in the Box Office and its said the scene was grotesque.

The police arrived pronto and handcuffed the wayward magician.
“These will never hold me” he bellowed as they escorted the lad away.
In front of the judge he shouted, “I’ll guarantee to escape by midnight.”
The judge said, “I was in the audience, you’ll be there until doomsday.”

In prison the magician did card tricks for the inmates and screws.
His captive audience were most amused as every trick went wrong.
He performed every Saturday in the mess hall to a packed house.
Where the inmates sang ’It’s a Kind of Magic’ as his theme song.

Finally, this magician performed the greatest trick of all time.
One day he completely disappeared from his cell.
Later he wrote to the Governor, “I clearly can’t do magic Guv,
But I tell you what, I can dig damn well.”