The college of cardinals were unable to elect a pope.
They just couldn’t agree on the candidates’ attributes.
Some liked the cardinal who wrestled with every decision.
Others preferred the cardinal who didn’t give two hoots.

The conclave ordered black smoke to be sent up the chimney.
Some coffee, sherry and sandwiches were sent for as well.
Discussions ensued. No, some serious arguments took place.
And a disgruntled cardinal told another cardinal to go to hell.

Sadly, a two-thirds vote had still not been achieved.
Black smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel again.
More coffee, sherry and sandwiches were sent for,
Since all the cardinals’ urgings had been in vain.

They keep voting if they don’t get the required numbers.
In the Chapel they chewed the cud and argued the toss.
Locked in seclusion they were not permitted to leave.
Because yet again they couldn’t decide on a boss.

More coffee, sherry and sandwiches were consumed.
Two contenders emerged, both of them full of grace.
Enrique from Paraguay and John-Ivor from Wales.
They were seen as saviours of the human race.

They shook hands as the cardinals debated their merits.
Later, another vote of the cardinals was called.
There was an even split between Enrique and John-Ivor.
Black smoke and again the cardinals were appalled.

In the interests of pragmatism a contest was suggested.
The winner of which would secure all the cardinals’ votes.
Perhaps a general knowledge quiz or even a game of chess?
Anything to get a winner so the cardinals could get their coats.

Finally Enrique and John-Ivor stripped to the waist and oiled up.
They’d agreed to sumo wrestle to be the next Pope.
They faced each other standing either side of a drawn circle.
One cardinal was taking bets, and the rest were full of hope.

After two hours of pushing a pulling Enrique finally collapsed.
He’d been well beaten by John-Ivor from the valleys.
John-Ivor’s arm was raised as he was the new Papa.
A vote was taken just for the record so everything tallies.

Everything in sight was cordially blessed by the cardinals.
White smoke came from the chimney amid the crowd’s roar.
They agreed no one should know how John-Ivor won the vote.
Lest the selection of new cardinals be down to who could throw another to the floor.